I love tea. I’m addicted.
I drink out of my favourite mug. I love how it’s big enough to hold a large, satisfying cup of tea and the curve of the handle fits snuggly in to my hand. But the handle is chipped from when I was washing it up one day… the chip cuts my finger. But still I drink from it. One day the handle of my mug came off completely. I couldn’t bear to throw it away, so I glued it back on. Eventually, over time, the glue wore away; and one day, I lifted the mug to my lips and it fell to the floor with an almighty smash. It was broken beyond repair.
I loved you, and now I’m not talking about the tea, or the mug. I was addicted… consumed. So consumed in fact, that I lost myself.
The more we broke, the more I so badly wanted to fix it. I clung on for dear life. I vanished for a while. I felt like a ghost of the person I used to be. My ability to laugh easily, enjoy my own company and do the things I loved, died. Because I was so sure that all I loved was you. No matter how hard you pushed, I remained attached. You crushed my soul completely, I really believed I was unworthy, ugly, hopeless. You controlled every single aspect of my life, every decision I made revolved around you. But for some reason, I kept reaching for you. Until that day when the glue finally wore away, and my heart smashed beyond repair.
Or so I thought at the time.
I was crushed, distraught and eventually, just numb. Looking back, it’s a miracle I had any friends left. Yes, friends are there for you in your darkest hour, but what about when it becomes your darkest year? I was draining them. It was a struggle, but they did not leave my side.
After that, all I ever wanted from you was an apology. All I ever wanted to hear you say was ‘I’m sorry’. Sorry for hurting me, sorry for crippling me, sorry for tearing me apart.
But eventually I realised that much like the strengthening of a muscle, it must be torn apart in order to build strength.
I look back now and I don’t even recognise the person I became when I was with you. But not for a second do I regret it, because I learnt.
I learnt how to become me after you.
I learnt that I had strength. That I can actually be quite funny and that if I wanted to wear jeans on a night out – that was okay. I learnt that I did actually have friends. People weren’t just friends with me because of you, like you used to tell me. And I fell in love again. But I fell in love with me – and my passions and my hobbies and just… everything. I learnt how to be happy.
These days, I look back on our good times with fondness and I not only forgive you, but I thank you. I thank you for hurting me so bad that I had no other choice than to discover my inner strength. I thank you for teaching me I must always put myself first.
I thank you for breaking my heart, because if you hadn’t… I might never have let you go.